What to do: Don’t hold back
We’re all clear (aren’t we?) that these “What to do” essays are letters to myself — internal pep talks that I make external. And here is something that I am guilty of doing very often: holding back.
One of the few things I know about writing is this: spend it all, shoot it, play it, lose it, all, right away, every time. Do not hoard what seems good for a later place in the book, or for another book; give it, give it all, give it now. The impulse to save something good for a better place later is a signal to spend it now. Something more will arise for later, something better. These things fill from behind, from beneath, like well water. Similarly, the impulse to keep to yourself what you have learned is not only shameful, it is destructive. Anything you do not give freely and abundantly becomes lost to you. You open your safe and find ashes.
Annie Dillard
The idea of this post came to me in the early hours this morning. It was about 5:00, and the soft buzz of dawn was just beginning to grey. I was curled up with the dogs and mentally reviewing the wins and losses of the past week. The smaller dog wasn’t stirring yet, but the older one had already joined me for our wake-up ritual.
I thought about some of the week’s errors and, in a few instances, regretted holding back. I thought, ”That’s a good idea. I should write that.” And then, “But, why waste it on a Friday? It’s too good of an idea for a Friday.” I stroked the soft, fluffy hair of the old pooch. We were all still pretending to sleep. ”People will like it. They’ll respond. I should save it for, say, a Tuesday when I get more visitors.”
I didn’t have a photo to accompany the post anyway. Surely I would by Tuesday. As I rushed around — showering, brushing, ironing, eating — I cast about for an image. I searched, in vain, for a particular trinket that I thought would work. (Turns out that it wouldn’t — you’ll see it come up later.) As I washed breakfast dishes, I remembered these empty pill capsules and had an idea.
“But, no. That’s too good of an idea for a Friday. I should save that for something bigger — something more impactful. People will think it’s a gimmick if I use it more than once.” Besides, I hadn’t pulled out my trusty old typewriter for ages. I wondered if the ink would even imprint. As it was, I was running the risk of being late for work. “Maybe I should just wait.”
By the third time I caught myself standing in my own way — trying to convince myself to hold back what was clearly a good idea — I knew that this was exactly the essay I needed to post today. Anything else would be false, would be stopping up the flow. To hold back would demonstrate a lack of faith that something equally good or better will come to me by next Tuesday. And, it’s possible that nothing will! But, it’s a risk I’m willing to take.
What are you holding back? Are you willing to spend it today?
No related posts.
You just have to remember to take them all at once so they mix together in the stomach of your mind :} Inspired!
I would guess that holding back is a combination of fear and insecurity —-something i’m trying to get over as well—not fear of failure, but fear of success: how would i top myself next time? Sounds so silly, but we often seem to sabotage ourselves this way, as artists. Procrastination becomes part of this as well, but tomorrow may never come , and there is always next week…And then we start competing with ourselves, furthering the sabotage and building more of an obstacle course.
Good advice just given to me “Make a plan, cut it half and expect to get no more than half of that done.” More realistic, less threatening and much more satisfyingly attainable—and then the rest *can* be done at a later time.
Will have to blog on this myself :}
Be true, stay true, create true.
Comment by arlee — 22 May 2009 @ 10:44 am
My comment is so basic compared to arlee’s, but I don’t want to compare
What do I hold back? I might have a special food in the frig and then not eat it all before it goes bad, because I’m holding back.
Or I buy just a third of a yard of a really incredible quilt fabric, because money is scarce, then not use it and it sits in my stash for literally *years* because it’s too amazing to use; or if I use it, it will be *gone* or if I run out in the middle of using it there’s no way to get more. This is beginning to sound like hording, oh dear.
Or I daydream and dwell on beautiful, complex quilt patterns and collect their pictures together in my someday book. In the meantime I make simiple, bright, everyday quilts, waiting for the time in my life when my creative energies can go into a complex quilt pattern and not be drained away by the work-day minutae. ~~ Thanks for asking.
Comment by Leslie — 22 May 2009 @ 10:56 am
That’s so interesting, Leslie. As soon as I published this, I started to think about my mom and her hoarded fabric stash. I think there are lots of issues that play into it for her, but I am definitely guilty of holding back on fabric that is “too amazing” to cut into for everyday projects. I am going to work hard to eliminate this attitude… I’m not convinced that “someday” ever comes!
Comment by Mal — 22 May 2009 @ 11:01 am
USE the stash—whadda ya gonna do–wear it as a shroud at the End? :}
Comment by arlee — 22 May 2009 @ 12:36 pm
STOP! STOP! You keep writing really really interesting posts and I haven’t time to take them in before you write another… I can’t keep up! Promise not to write another until after the weekend
Comment by Sue — 22 May 2009 @ 1:37 pm
I continuously hold back… I keep my best paper materials for when I find the perfect journal, I keep my best fabric for when my sewing skills are better, I keep my best writing ideas for when I have time to sit down and write them properly… I need to remember that “the moment is now” and I’m going to make sure I do from now on.
PS. You may write to yourself, but it’s as if you are writing to me
Comment by B — 22 May 2009 @ 1:42 pm
I hold back ideas, and fabric, but you’re right about seizing the moment. I make my living as a writer, and ideas breed ideas. Go with what you have and more will come later. as for fabric, this is what my mother says, who is an experienced quilter and sewer: You never need it as much as you do now. which of course means, stop saving it and use it! thanks for this!
Comment by Brenda — 22 May 2009 @ 2:00 pm
I’m so glad you did write this on a Friday! It’s the perfect fodder for contemplating over the weekend. I can relate to many of the comments above about holding back and it reminds me of the need to be brave in our creativity. I think it takes a certain amount of courage to NOT hold back because it means you risk Failure (eek) or worse, Waste (gasp)! I relate it directly to my penchant for perfectionism. I hold back until the “perfect” moment when the stars are aligned, I’m in the right mood, the light is just so, the materials superior and the timing exquisite.
Of course, when I think about the times that I think all these things might have happened, you know what I think was the real cause of my success for that moment? It was nothing to do with external conditions, it was because I Didn’t Hold Back. I just did it.
Lovely post.
Comment by Emma — 22 May 2009 @ 8:20 pm
Great post Mal. Gives me something to think about tonight when I’m stitching. Have a great weekend.
Comment by Elizabeth — 23 May 2009 @ 3:36 am
actually, I do have a blog: http://scrapsandstrings.blogspot.com. forgot to put it in. thanks for the shout out!
Comment by Brenda — 24 May 2009 @ 1:20 pm
Great forum going here! It sounds like a lot of us hold back, thought it was just me! Thanks Emma for showing me I fear waste as well. Learning all the time.
Comment by Leslie — 25 May 2009 @ 8:09 am
i realize i’m a little behind, but just wanted to say that have drawers and drawers of pretty papers that i hold back, thinking that i have to save them for something special. but what is that something special?
every once in awhile, i get out a big stack of them with the kids and we make something together. and somehow those first cuts into those pretty papers actually hurt a little bit and then they suddenly feel liberating and everyone enjoys them and in the end we have a halloween banner or a christmas banner or a spring banner or we’ve covered some old board books and put pictures in them. and we enjoy the pretty papers much more that way!
but it’s hard sometimes. i do a bit of the same with fabrics, but i’m a little better at fighting the urge there. especially when you see some fabulous patchwork or hexagon project on flickr and think, hey, those small pieces actually ARE useful. that makes me feel braver about cutting in and not having the big piece at my disposal anymore.
thanks, as always, for making me think, even if i’m a little late to party b/c i’ve been so busy lately.
Comment by julochka — 25 May 2009 @ 9:50 am